


Four Human Weddings and a Corpse Party

by TimConwaysElephantStory



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Four Weddings and a Funeral - Stuck, Multi, Not Canon Compliant - The Homestuck Epilogues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2020-08-12 02:14:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimConwaysElephantStory/pseuds/TimConwaysElephantStory
Summary: TG: soTG: karkat vantasTG: put your doggoddamn suit onTG: come outsideTG: get in the fucking carTG: we are going to your very first human wedding





	1. Rose and Kanaya: Part One

CG: SO, MAKING THESE “VOWS” IS SOME KIND OF HUMAN BINDING CONTRACT.

CG: AND IF YOU BREAK IT THERE ARE TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

TG: not really

TG: like if things dont work out you just get a divorce

TG: and shits good

TG: well not good probably

TG: lots of “how could you” and “i wasted the best years of my life on you karkat vantas”

TG: and then it screws up the kids for a long while

TG: “daddy, why dont you love daddy anymore”

TG: “was it something we did”

TG: “why weren’t we good enough daddy”

CG: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE IF YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE TIME I WILL CLOSE MY HUSKTOP, SMASH IT TO SMITHEREENS AND DEVOUR IT PIECE BY GODDAMN PIECE UNTIL EITHER IT’S GONE OR I DIE FROM THE EFFORT.

CG: IT’S A WIN-WIN HONESTLY.

TG: wait which word

CG: YOU KNOW WHICH WORD.

TG: do I though?

CG: HOOFBEASTSHIT ASIDE, HOW DOES IT WORK THEN?

CG: IF THERE ARE ZERO CONSEQUENCES FOR BREAKING YOUR HUMAN MARRIAGE CONTRACT THEN WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT?

TG: i mean there kind of isnt one

TG: especially now that human society is gone and all that’s left is whatever crap we all decided was fun to keep

CG: LIKE HUMAN MARRIAGE.

TG: you can just call it marriage dude

TG: there isnt any such thing as troll marriage so its not racially insensitive to lose the human part

TG: or maybe it is who knows

CG: SURE AS FUCK NOT ME.

TG: word

TG: but yeah back in the dark ages youd get shunned or whatever for getting a divorce

TG: and before that divorce wasn’t even a thing

TG: but when we were from it was mostly no big deal

CG: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

CG: HUMANS SPEND ALL THIS MONEY ON A BIG PARTY, GET UP IN FRONT OF ALL THEIR FRIENDS, AND PROMISE TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

CG: BUT REALLY IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY KEEP IT BECAUSE THEY JUST “DIVORCE” AND IT’S LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

TG: essentially yes

TG: but the alternative would be being stuck in a bad relationship

TG: which is 100000x worse

CG: NO SHIT.

CG: I’M NOT IN FAVOUR OF THAT AT ALL LET’S MAKE THAT CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR.

CG: MY POINT IS HUMANS ARE IDIOTS.

TG: we kind of are

TG: weddings are dumb

TG: but kanaya will flay you alive with her whip of quiet disappointment if youre late

TG: so

TG: karkat vantas

TG: put your doggoddamn suit on

TG: come outside

TG: get in the fucking car

TG: we are going to your very first human wedding

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

* * *

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing here. That’s here meaning Rose and Kanaya’s human wedding, but mostly here meaning hiding from the sun under a giant umbrella and surrounded by a gaggle of your so-called friends. There are tables peppered all around the giant lawnring you’re in, and you can see some sort of circular depression further off where Dave has said the “ceremony” will happen. It sounds sinister and you have trouble believing there’s no bloodshed or ritual sacrifice involved.

To the end of not having to talk to anyone you are standing next to Terezi, who is drawing attention away from you like light into a black hole. Her dress is enormous. It's made of scraps of draped fabric in every colour of the rainbow and then some. It’s revolting, but it’s a talking point.

“I’m impressed,” says Dave’s ancestor, Dick or whatever his name is, “wearing all the colours of the hemospectrum in one garment to symbolise the dismantling of a defunct class structure in this our post-game utopian society.”

Terezi tips her heard to the side. “Yep, you got it. That's a point that I was trying to make.”

“Very nice." He nods, "I better get going there's some Father of the bride stuff to take care of. See you two down there.”

Once he’s far enough away you take a step closer to Terezi and, trying to keep your voice down, say “You never thought about any of that crap, did you?”

“Not even a little bit. My clothes taste good, so I wear them. It's not that complicated.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever put your clothes in the same sentence as both ‘good' and 'taste’,” you can’t help but add.

She just smiles wider, “Hey, not all of us have stylish roommates around to pick our suits out for us.”

Your jaw drops. How could she know that?

“How could you know that?”

“I didn’t. You’ve never owned a suit in your life though so it was a pretty safe guess.”

Your secret is out. Dave had taken care of all the details like proper human wedding attire. You feel your face heat up and unconsciously tug at your collar. Before you can stammer out a defence you are joined by a third guest, this time not a Strider.

“Hey TZ can I hide behind whatever the fuck you’re wearing for a second?”

“Buzz off, Captor, I was here first,” you assert correctly.

Sollux is unsympathetic, “Needs of the many, KK. In this case my need to be many feet away from my matesprit right now.”

“What’s she doing?” Asks Terezi, apparently not offended.

“She’s getting _ideas._ We’ve been here twenty minutes and it’s all,” here his voice goes up an octave, “‘Ooh isn’t this so nice? Wouldn’t it be so much fun to be one of the brides? You would hake such a pretty bride, Sollux.’ She thinks she’s being subtle, too.”

“A groom,” Terezi corrects.

Sollux wrinkles his nose, “What?”

“John says girls are brides and boys are grooms. You know, that human thing where they alter their terminology based on gender.”

“Humans are fucking weird.”

“They really are.”

Your friends share the closest thing to a meaningful look that two trolls wearing tinted glasses can.

“Anyway,” Sollux continues, “I figure she can’t human marry me if she can’t find me.”

“Romantic,” you scoff, “Fucking matesprit of the sweep right there.”

He nonchalantly flips you off, “I forgot about your wealth of experience with the flushed quadrant, Oh wait, you don’t have any. You can’t even get up the courage to-”

“NOPE. NO. SHUT UP.” You are not having this conversation. Not even a little bit.

Terezi cackles, “We’re all pretending we don’t know about that.”

“Fucking thank you,” you interject.

“To his face anyway,” she finishes smugly.

You hate these people. You don’t know why you’re even here.

“Speak of the coolkid,” says Terezi, waving.

Right, that’s why.

“Kickass outfit, Terezi,” says Dave. They fist-bump without looking at each other. It would be more impressive if you didn’t see them try that and miss ninety percent of the time. “I’m supposed to let everyone know that Kanaya ‘Politely But Firmly’ asks that you all get your asses down to the amphitheatre. Shits about to get matrimonial.”

There are already people moving. You suppose it’s time to get this over with.

“Come on, let’s get this over with,” you say, motioning with your head in the direction of the crowd.

Sollux shrugs, “Eh, I’m going to wait here with TZ. If we get in just before it starts then there won’t be time to talk to anyone.”

“You are such a coward.”

“Pot. Kettle.”

It’s your turn to flip him off as you turn away from them. Dave has already moved on to tell more people to get their spinal crevices in gear so you’re left to wander away on your own like a loser.

The not-totally-harsh-but-still-uncomfortable sun of Earth C is beginning to set now, and around you tiny lights are turning on. They’re strung up through and between trees all over the place from where you are to the multi-storey hive where you’ve been promised there will be food after the “ceremony.” You can practically see Kanaya painstakingly arranging each strand until it’s exactly how she envisioned it. Even though there’s no way you’d say it out loud, you hope whatever this is goes well for her.

Half the people who have settled on the circular seating are strangers to you, and you’re not that keen to be stuck next to most of the ones that aren’t. It’s a moot point when you feel a tug at your jacket and something pulls you down into a seat.

“Hi Karkat!” Says Egbert, waving like you aren’t three feet away from him. In between you, with her sharpened nails still embedded in your suit jacket, is the last person you’d want to be stuck beside at your first human wedding, or anywhere else for that matter.

“John,” you nod at him, and then at Vriska “You.”

She tugs your jacket again, “I’ve missed you too, Karkat, it’s been aaaaaaaages.”

You try not to respond, you really do, “It’s been two days! You are literally never not with Terezi now. It’s ridiculous.”

“It’s called moirail privilege, look it up.” She looks pleased - too pleased.

“It’s called codependence.”

“I mean that’s entirely how it’s supposed to be but okay. Also, I’m literally not with her now so ha.”

“And the longer you’re not the more everyone on the planet collectively prepares themselves for some kind of giant convoluted apocalypse scenario resulting from one of your ridiculous plans. We’re all just hoping the city’s still livable after the next one.” Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re aware that the more you talk the more leverage you give her, but knowing when to shut up has never been your strong suit.

“So, let me get this str-eight, I’m around Terezi too much but also not enough?” Vriska says, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes,” you reply, “Wait, no. Fuck.”

John interrupts, “If you guys are finished arguing or flirting or whatever that was, I think they’re starting.”

“We weren’t-” you begin, but are cut off by a “Shh” from Dave, who has plonked himself down next to you on the bench. It’s a tight fit, and you think about moving closer to Vriska to make room. You don’t really want to.

John’s right. A hush descends over the congregation, and you notice Kanaya standing on a small stage at the bottom of the amphitheatre. She’s glowing - literally - and wearing a long, green dress you have to assume she made herself. Between her luminescence and the tiny lights on strings all over the place it’s all pretty well lit. Jade is standing next to her, with Roxy on what you guess will be Rose’s side. They’re both in a darker green, a dress and a suit respectively, and from what Dave has told you, looking nowhere near as ugly as is human tradition. You begin to wonder where Rose is. If she leaves Kanaya all alone up there you’ll… Well, you don’t really know what you’ll do but it will be very impressive and vengeful.

While you’re considering this, you become aware of movement on your right. Rose is walking carefully down the aisle between the sets of benches. She’s holding on to Dick Strider’s arm, dressed in white with some sort of purple sash thing. The smile on her face is much bigger than the ones you’re used to seeing from her. Usually it’s like she’s trying not to laugh at you. This is better.

You decide you probably won’t need to wreak vengeance on Rose.

The two of them walk to the stage, where Strider hugs her before sitting down. Rose joins Kanaya. You can’t see properly because they’re side-on to you, but you think they look pretty fucking pleased. A human you’ve never seen before ascends the stage to stand between them.

“Welcome everyone,” the human begins, “And thank you all for being here today to witness Kanaya Maryam and Rose Lalonde declare their love for and commitment to each other. Their relationship has been a long and dedicated one, and while they are both aware how much they mean to each another, they have decided, in the presence of their friends and family, to become legally joined together in marriage.”

The human continues talking about what love means, and you get the feeling there’s not going to be any bleeding involved at all. As she drones on you realise it might instead just be kind of boring. You get distracted by Jade, who is practically vibrating with excitement behind Kanaya. The two of you make eye contact, and you can visibly see her resisting the urge to wave.

“Rose and Kanaya have written vows they would like to share with one another,” the human nods first to Kanaya.

She clears her throat, looking almost as composed as usual. You can tell she’s nervous. “Rose. I can still remember our first conversation, more than six sweeps ago. It did not go well, mostly because you were actually John at the time.”

Rose giggles and you think it was involuntary. It’s a really weird sound either way.

“But then we had our second conversation, and our third, and then the thousands that came after that. Every time we spoke I understood you better, and after a while every time made me love you more. There are many parts of the last five sweeps that I do not think I could have gotten through without you, and even if that is not true, I am glad I did not have to. There is nothing about our lives that I want to change, except that from now on I would spend each day with you as your wife. I love you, Rose. Always.”

When Rose starts to speak she’s quieter than usual, but gets louder as she goes. “I’ve undertaken countless writing projects over the course of my life, but was surprised to find that these simple wedding vows were by far the most difficult. I could speak abstractly - detachedly - about our relationship for hours, but this is not the time for that. This is the time for absolute sincerity. I want to tell you what you mean to me. I want to tell you that you are loved absolutely and irrevocably. I want to tell you that our paradise would become hell if you were gone. I want to tell you in excruciating detail everything I’ve ever felt for you. Forgive me for not being able to find the words to tell you all these things as eloquently as you deserve to hear them. Apparently, happiness makes one stupid, and I am so ridiculously happy. I love you, Kanaya, Always.”

Oh shit. You can feel your anguish bladder begin to fill, and the beginnings of liquid welling up behind your lookstubs. You steel yourself like the literal saviour of the universe you are. There is no way you’re crying in front of these assholes.

The human has them put rings on each other’s fingers. You make a mental note to ask Dave what possible purpose that serves.

She declares them married, and everyone bursts into applause.

“So what, that’s it?” You whisper to Dave.

He leans in, “What?”

“I SAID, IS THAT IT?”

“Woah, volume dude. And yeah, pretty much.”

“What a fucking anticlimax.”

“Give it up, Karkat, I heard you sniffling like an adorable, nubby-horned baby,” he ruffles your hair and you bat his hand away. Rose and Kanaya are making their way, hand in hand, back up the aisle.

“You’re human,” you start.

Dave interrupts, “Last time I checked.”

“Shut up. But seriously, does that mean you’re going to want a human wedding someday?”

“Shit, is this a proposal. Cause, you know, I’m flattered, really,” he’s smiling. You can see he’s smiling, and it’s really annoying.

“I’m not proposing to you, nookstain,” you growl.

He continues, ignoring your protests, “I’m sure you’d be a great husband, don’t get me wrong. But, like, I’m pretty sure if I marry you then legally I have to marry all of them too.”

Dave gestures off to the right where, a few rows back, Aradia and Nepeta are throwing human rice that sticks to Kanaya's dress in a way that indicates they probably weren't meant to cook it first. Beside them Equius has his head buried so far in one of his towels you can’t tell if he’s overwhelmed by emotion or something much more revolting. To his right, Terezi has commandeered a bouquet of flowers that you assume are the ones Jade was meant to be carrying to match Roxy’s. As you watch she plucks out a petal and pops it in her mouth. Maybe Dave’s hesitance isn’t completely unfounded.

“Anyway, that lot aside, I just really don’t think I could handle Vriska.”

“Vriska likes you,” you lie.

“Vriska calls me douche-face.”

“Err,” you don’t know how to come back from that .

“Anyway, I think we’re moving up to the house. You can drown your disappointment at not getting to marry me in punch and finger food,” he stands up and makes to leave. You don’t know what either of those are. Humans serve fingers at these things?

As you’re contemplating the ramifications of that, Vriska leans in to stage-whisper into your ear.

“So... how’s douche-face?”

“You know what,” you reply, getting to your feet, “Even if you had me strapped to an interroflagellation table, having my skin removed inch by agonising inch then pouring salt in my gaping wounds, and all I had to do to stop it was tell you how Dave was, I would still say none of your fucking business.”

You don’t wait for a reply to the completely warranted mental beatdown you just inflicted, instead joining the crowd and letting yourself be passively swept away to wherever they’re keeping these food-fingers. As you walk you keep your head down to hide the massive smile that has worked its way on to your face.

He said you’d be a great husband.

You are so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the epilogues leave anyone else super fucking depressed? Hopefully this will be all the matrimonial fun of Candy with less crushing existential dread. One can but dream.
> 
> I've only listed the ships that are both A) relevant to the plot and B) not a surprise, so read at your own risk. Dave and Karkat are Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell as fuck though so no stress there.


	2. Rose and Kanaya: Part Two

Your name is Dave Kickass Strider and fuck seating charts. The design so far has been pure Kanaya, but this seating chart has your ecto-sister written all over it. You mean, in addition to all the other names it literally has written all over it. She’s taken special care to divide your acquaintances into the most awkward possible halves with a precision that Kanaya just isn’t vindictive or meticulous enough to manage.

Food is being served in what you think might be a ballroom, with walls that are all windows. It’s been crammed with circular tables set with shiny glassware and too many forks. There is a roughly square-shaped area toward the front that will probably serve as a dance floor later. You take the last empty chair at your table, between Jake and Calliope, and think about trying to join in whatever conversation is going on between Callie and Terezi but are quickly distracted.

“Dave will know. Dave!” Calls Feferi from across the table, “Who was the short human on the stage who did all the talking?”

You think back, “Who, the officiant? I think Kanaya knows her from the baby mines.”

“I think they’re called brooding caverns,” says Callie, genuinely trying to be helpful.

“How do you become an officiant?” asks Aradia, who is between Terezi and Feferi.

“No clue,” you shrug, “I think back on Earth A you did a course or something. Here you probably just tell everyone you are one and no one checks because our bureaucracy is a literal joke.”

“Is it painful?” asks Nepeta from Feferi’s right, “This ‘course’.”

You school your features into a grim expression. “Oh, yeah. Half the participants are usually dead or maimed by the third day. I heard of one time where only one guy got out alive. He ate all the rest – not for survival or anything – just because that’s what the course turned him into.”

Terezi just laughs. “Quit lying, Strider. You’re no good at it.”

You put your hand to your chest in faux-offence. “Maybe I would be if you’d play along.”

“Why are you gals so curious anyway?” asks Jake.

“Aradia offered to do all the talking bits at Sollux and my human wedding, but we realised we didn’t really know how that works,” says Feferi.

“Oh, shit yeah,” you interject, “you should one hundred percent become an officiant, Aradia. I think they get to do funerals too.”

Her eyes light up like it’s her birthday, Christmas, and whatever the troll equivalents are all in one. It’s a little scary.

Feferi claps her hands together in excitement. “This is perfect, Sollux will love it.”

“You mean once you actually ask him,” says Aradia.

“I would if he would stop avoiding me! He thinks he’s being subtle about it, but I wasn’t hatched yesterday.”

You don’t usually find yourself feeling sorry for Sollux, but you also remember the apeshit bananas spectacle that was Feferi’s last New Year’s Eve party.

The conversation lulls. Jake soon breaks the silence.

“I actually have a question I’ve been waiting to put to a troll chum.”

“Shoot,” says Terezi.

“It’s just, I’ve noticed quite the trend of trolls having human weddings-”

“Jake, you’re human,” you interrupt, exasperated, “can’t you can just call it a wedding?”

Jake looks concerned. “Would that not be jolly culturally insensitive though? Regardless, I was curious how our whole marital monogamy shebang meshed with your quadrants. As I understand it, a single troll can be in a relationship with up to five other parties. Does human marriage not bugger that up a smidge?”

“Yeah,” you consider, “I actually wouldn’t mind hearing the answer to that.”

You try to ignore Terezi waggling her eyebrows at you.

“Ooh,” says Nepeta, “I think I know this one. I was talking to Jade about it a few days ago. Basically, your human marriage is about love, which is obviously purr-etty far from the kind of feelings you have in an auspisticism or kismesissitude, which just leaves the two red quadrants to worry about. The whole love part is closest to how you feel about a matesprit, but then a human marriage isn’t totally unlike a moiraillegiance either.”

“So, do you human marry both, or choose one?” asks Jake.

Nepeta shrugs, “I guess it just comes down to how all the trolls or humans involved feel about it. Like, if you want to human marry your matesprit, it’s best to know that you’re not going to upset your moirail, and the same the other way ‘round.”

“I don’t think we take it nearly as seriously as humans as a rule,” offers Aradia. “The trolls who are with humans probably do – like Kanaya and Rose – but otherwise it’s more like an excuse to throw a party and show off that we’ve filled a quadrant.”

You think on this for a moment and decide that’s probably not too far off the money for humans either. Maybe like most of the way on the money with like a little bit poking out the side.

“I appreciate the insight,” says Jake, “It’s rather a bit of work to keep up to date with old the cross-cultural understanding.”

The arrival of entrees puts an end to this particular cultural exchange. Each dish has been clearly labelled with the race it’s intended to be digested by, but you think you’d have to lose at least four senses before you accidentally ate any of the artistically arranged meat chunks on the troll and cherub plates. You and Jake dig in to the human dishes, which have something topped with salmon, something that looks like it contains spinach, and mini-quiches. Up at the head table - which is long and rectangular where yours is circular – you see Rose and Kanaya honest-to-God feeding each other their respective foodstuffs. You are revolted, and deep down maybe a little jealous. Revoltingly jealous. You realise you haven’t heard any yelling from Karkat yet, even though he’s only a few tables over. Given that he’s seated with, among others, John, Vriska and Dirk that has to be some kind of miracle.

You’d sort of hoped to witness firsthand the full glory of Karkat Vantas experiencing **New Things**, but guess you’ll have to settle for the inevitable play-by-play back at home.

As you’re finishing the main course you look up to find that your least favourite troll (and boy is there competition for that title) laboriously dragging his chair from one end of the room to the other. Once he has it placed roughly between Feferi and Nepeta he throws himself into it with a huff.

“Can you _believe_ she sat me all the way back at one of the consort tables?”

You totally can, because it’s Eridan.

Feferi elbows him, “I think you should be grateful Kanaya let you come at all.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But seriously, how long do you have to go without murdering anyone before you stop gettin’ treated like a coddamn second class citizen? I’m genuinely askin’.”

“I don’t think there’s an expiry date on being pissed off at the person who killed you,” says Terezi.

“When you say it like that it seems all reasonable. I just wish she could be like Fef and eventually stop givin’ a glub.”

Feferi rolls her eyes, “Not remembering your own murder negates a lot of the trauma. Kanaya does remember it, though, and she gets to be mad at you pretty much forever.”

“It’s not like I remember it either,” grumbles Eridan, “and not to split keratinous scalp protrusions here, but she did kill me back.”

Around you people are starting to get up and mingle. You decide now would be an excellent time to do the same, and bail on a conversation you have heard way too many times over the last ten years. You don’t exactly have a huge emotional stake in the whole inter-troll multiple murder fuck-uppery that went down before you joined the meteor crew, but you do know it still messes with Karkat’s head now and again, even with the victims all being self-evidently still alive. Or is that alive again? Game logic, man. How does it work?

It seems that Rose and Kanaya aren’t bothering with the whole first dance thing, which is probably for the best. You’ve seen them dance well enough alone but together it’s like they grow four extra limbs just to step on.

You wander casually up to the main table, because you have long been able to pre-empt when Jade is going to want to dance. Everyone’s gotten kind of predictable in their old age.

But first, you have one more thing to pre-empt.

“Hey Kanaya,” you say, leaning between her chair and Jade’s.

She turns to you, smiling. “Yes, Dave?”

“Congratulations, etcetera, etcetera. You might want to tell the bartenders to cut Eridan off. Dude’s whining up a storm and I think with a few drinks you’re going to get a repeat of John’s twenty-first.”

She shudders, “I will let them know.”

“Cool. By the way, you two should get out there and dance – show us all how it’s done.”

Kanaya frowns, but Rose answers before she can speak. “We thought about it, but there was too high a chance the Earth itself might be wrest asunder by force of our sweet moves. An impromptu earthquake really would spoil this otherwise splendid evening.”

Your heart swells with affection for your ecto-sister. You really are happy for her even though Strider-Lalonde custom forbids actually saying so.

You feel a tap on your shoulder, and spin around to see Jade giving you an expectant look. You hold out a hand to her and she takes it without a word, leading you to the dance floor. What did you say about predictable?

The music about half classics, half Earth C originals. You did at one point offer to DJ the event but were ever-so-politely turned down. Jade, as always, gives zero shits as to the quality of the music or how many people are dancing. She starts jumping about to an upbeat number while you sway beside her, in time to the music, taking care to look like you’ve forgotten you’re even doing it.

“Being a bridesmaid kicks ass!” she exclaims, waving her hands in the air, “We should do this every week!”

“We’d run out of people to get married,” you observe. “There’d be like ten weeks tops and then boom, everyone’s paired up.”

Jade is unconcerned. “Not if we did all the quadrants. That’s like five per person.”

“Nepeta says you don’t marry your hate-friends.”

“Nepeta isn’t thinking outside the box.”

“Does that mean you’ve lined up a kismesis to march down the aisle?”

“No, not a kismesis,” says Jade, giving you a **Look**, and you are not even a little ready to deal with whatever that is yet.

You scramble for the least sexy thing you can think of.

“Zahhak.” you spit out.

“What?”

“Maybe you could get he and Nepeta to have a moirail wedding.”

“Heh, every day for those two is like a human wedding. I’m not sure they’d bother. Terezi and Vriska?”

“Objectively terrifying.”

Jade laughs. Crisis averted.

You spend the next song trying to avoid stepping on Nakodiles, because some idiot decided to play _Crocodile Rock_. It’s lucky there are only a couple dozen of them. That song is illegal in public venues for a reason. Jake is dancing with three at once, while a fourth keeps trying to take a chunk out of his calf. He doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“So, what about you?” asks Jade, a few songs later. “Have you got any plans to settle down? You are super old now.”

“I’m two days younger than you, and-” Yes. Maybe. You don’t know. “Not yet.”

“There’s no rush. Unless I get everyone married off, of course.”

Once again things are getting a little too real and, because you are a massive coward, you wave John over from where he’s hovering at the edge of the dance floor.

“You guys keep going, there’s something I’ve got to check on. Important business, you know how it is.”

You’re talking out of your ass but at that moment – entirely co-incidentally – there’s an outbreak of very familiar raised voices behind you. Both John and Jade make a motion to follow you, but you tell them you’ve got it.

You weave your way between human, troll and carapace guests, and over consort ones. The commotion is a few tables over from yours, where Karkat and the others had been. You’re not even a little surprised. What does surprise you is that Karkat doesn’t seem to be involved. He is there though, head in hands and elbows on the table.

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion,” Vriska is sitting in one chair, feet up on the other, and talking to Sollux who’s on his feet and looking tense. Feferi and Terezi are hovering off to the side.

“Oh, so you didn’t say I was insane?” replies Sollux, “That’s a relief, because otherwise I’d be really fucking pissed right now.”

Vriska holds up her hands placatingly. “All I did was agree with you that the whole human wedding thing was a bad idea. You, a crowd of people, lots of pressure. It just seems like a recipe for disaster and I think you clearly understand that too.”

You think you see a spark of electricity pass over Sollux’s face and get ready to intervene… somehow. Honestly, you’re not sure if getting between the two of them would be hazardous to your health.

“It’s not a bad idea, it’s just a stupid idea. There’s a difference.”

“Th-ure, Th-ollux. Really, it’s a credit that you understand your limits,” Vriska says, inspecting her nails with too much interest not to be pretending. “I mean, committing to a single matesprit? That’s a pretty tall order for someone with a duality schtick.”

Sollux laughs humourlessly. “Are you sure you’re not just bitter? Hasn’t the only person who has ever or will ever be flushed for you just ‘committed to a single matesprit’, and you’re taking it out on anyone around you who isn’t completely miserable?”

Vriska faux-yawns. “Bzz. Thanks for playing. Actually, I’m trying to spare Feferi the disappointment when you inevitably fail to commit.”

You take a step forward as Sollux does, still not really knowing how you’re going to prevent two trolls with powers ripping each other to shreds. Flying and time travel are only so effective against mind control and eye lasers.

It turns out you needn’t have bothered. Instead of going for Vriska, Sollux walks right past her in the vague direction of the exit.

He turns back. “Come on FF.”

“You want to leave?” asks Feferi, nonplussed.

“Yeah, this party’s a bust, and we have a fucking human wedding to plan.”

Feferi tries to look apologetic but you doubt anyone’s fooled. As she rushes to join Sollux, who has continued walking away, you could swear you see Vriska flash her a thumbs-up. That is really not something you are mentally prepared to unpack right now. Instead, you take the seat next to Karkat. He doesn’t look up.

“I think you were right,” he says after a minute.

“Huh?”

“About not human marrying into this disaster.”

“Ouch,” says Vriska without feeling.

You both ignore her.

“It could be worse,” you offer, “at least no one died.”

“Not funny.”

“You’re smiling.”

And he is smiling. He’s staring at the table instead of meeting your eye, but he’s smiling. You make a movement as if to put your hand on his shoulder but stop halfway.

“How about dessert?” You offer weakly, “They’ve got raspberry grub-cream. You literally ate that shit up at Tavros’s last wriggling day. It was like a one troll party within a party.”

Karkat peers out at you from behind his arm. “You can’t buy me off with sweets, Strider. I’ve moved beyond your pathetic human mind games.”

“I’ll get it for you.”

“Urgh, fine.”

You get Karkat his grub-cream, and yourself some cake. Together you sit and eat, then sit and talk, through the next hour. You watch your friends dance. Even Rose and Kanaya give it a go at one point, though they keep a good three feet apart. You nearly wet yourself watching Equius doing what looks like the robot, but is his actually him attempting to avoid hitting any of the other dancers. Vriska manhandles John into some kind of athletic waltz that takes them from one end of the dancefloor to the other, sending the other guests hurtling out of their way.

You follow the rest of the crowd outside when Rose and Kanaya leave.

John, Jade and – you presume based on the handwriting – Terezi have covered the car in shaving foam and confetti. The happy couple just laugh.

After they drive away, and everyone heads back inside, you find yourself hovering about the garden. The fairy lights are kind of mesmerising. At least, you think they’re mesmerising to Karkat, who hasn’t stopped looking at them since Rose and Kanaya left. You wonder what he’s thinking about.

“What are you thinking about?” you ask.

He startles. That’s probably your fault for standing so close.

“I’m thinking that human traditions are very occasionally not completely idiotic.”

“Woah, don’t overdo it with the praise there. I can only handle so much of that patented Vantas charm.”

“As if. You eat it up like one of Jane’s multi-tiered baked goods. Chowing down on my charm is basically your whole reason for living.”

“You got me,” you say, bumping your shoulder oh-so-casually into his, “if you ever moved out I’d be crafting Karkat-shaped idols to worship at within the week.”

“You’re so full of shit it’s a wonder you can still fly.”

You’re still leaning against him. The air is still a little warm with the heat of the day, the lighting is soft, and music drifts in from the ballroom as the party begins to wind down.

His eyes flicker over to you, probably because you’re not saying anything and that’s not really a thing that you do.

It would be really easy to turn him around, to lean in, to…

You don’t. Neither does he.

“Wanna go?” you ask, finally.

“Yeah.”

So you do.

* * *

Later, when you’re lying in bed, alone, replaying the evening over in your head, you find yourself unable to deny one absolute truth.

You are totally fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm super enjoying this but had apparently forgotten how to write pretty much the whole cast. It's hard and no one understands. (You know, except literally everyone who's ever tried to write fanfic.)


	3. Intermission One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Our Hero Has Pleasant And Heated Discussions With The Bride And Groom To Be, Not Necessarily Respectively.

TA: come on.

CG: NO.

TA: beliieve me, ii wouldnt be a2kiing iif ii had any other choiice.

TA: AA ii2 offiiciiatiing.

TA: and FF ha2 already 2wooped iin and a2ked TZ and KN.

TA: that rule2 out everyone ii can 2tand.

TA: except you ii gue22.

CG: SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR, EVERYONE.

CG: MASTER OF THE HARD SELL.

CG: HOW COULD ANYONE RESIST HIS HEARTFELT ENTREATIES.

TA: iim jokiing, obviiou2ly.

TA: anyway, plus NP and harley 2he has four briide2maiid2 2o apparently ii need four groom2maiid2.

TA: after you and 2triider 2ay ye2 iim halfway done.

CG: WAIT, YOU’RE ASKING DAVE TOO?

TA: ii kiind of fiigured iif you agreed hed just come wiith.

TA: that2 how iit u2ually work2, riight?

CG: SCREW YOU. THAT IS NOT HOW IT USUALLY WORKS.

CG: IF YOU WANT DAVE TO BE YOUR GROOMSMAID YOU CAN ASK HIM YOURSELF.

CG: I AM NO ONES MESSENGER SKYBEAST.

TA: yeah, yeah, youre a one troll ii2land.

CG: HOW ABOUT ROXY?

TA: that2… actually not a bad 2hout.

TA: lalonde iis 2uper tolerable.

TA: at lea2t compared two the re2t of of the human2.

CG: WHEN YOU ASK, PLEASE USE THOSE EXACT WORDS.

CG: IN FACT, I CHANGED MY MIND. I’M GOING TO ASK DAVE FOR YOU, AND WHEN I DO I AM GOING TO COPY IN THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION.

TA: are you guy2 not iin the 2ame hou2e?

CG: WHAT? NO, WE ARE.

TA: wow. just wow.

TA: anyway, 2hut up.

TA: iive got thii2 2hiit fiigured out.

TA: you and 2triider, lalonde and calliiope.

TA: boom, done.

CG: HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY SPOKEN TO CALLIE?

TA: ii a22ume 2o.

TA: and even iif not, they are way hiigher up my lii2t than anyone ii have 2poken two.

TA: hone2tly ii just really want two get thii2 2orted.

CG: HOW ARE YOU SUDDENLY SO ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THIS?

CG: I MEAN, YOU’RE AWARE THAT THE FISH GIRL YOU’RE ABOUT TO HUMAN MARRY CONSPIRED WITH THE FOURTH SHITTIEST PERSON WE KNOW.

CG: (AND ISN’T THAT FUCKING DEPRESSING IN AND OF ITSELF)

CG: TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO AGREEING TO SAID RIDICULOUS HUMAN MARRIAGE.

CG: NOW SUDDENLY IT’S WOOHOO, ALL ABOARD THE COMMITMENT EXPRESS.

CG: NEXT STOP COMPLETE DISASTER.

TA: yeah, iit became pretty clear pretty quiick that ii got played there.

TA: but then ii thought 2ome more about iit.

TA: the whole thiing ii2 2uper dumb, but iif iit2 goiing two make FF happy, and ii dont giive a 2hiit, then why not ju2t do iit.

TA: 2o we never have two talk about iit agaiin.

TA: KK?

CG: SORRY. I JUST FINISHED A WHOLE BOX OF TISSUES WEEPING OVER THE SHEER THINK PAN NUMBING BEAUTY OF YOUR LOVE.

CG: OH, WAIT. MY MISTAKE. THAT WAS ACTUALLY VOMIT OVERFLOWING AND LEAKING OUT OF MY LOOK STUBS.

TA: whiile were on the 2ubject of FF.

TA: there2 2omethiing you 2hould probably know, and youre not goiing two liike iit.

CG: LOVING THE SUSPENSE.

CG: I FIND IT REALLY TAKES THE EDGE OFF BAD NEWS.

TA: look, ii diidnt know about iit iin advance.

TA: but 2he2 a2ked GZ two come.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  twinArmageddons [TA] 

TA: good job not freakiing out

* * *

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling  cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CG: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

CC: )(ello to you too Karcrab.

CG: WE HAVE RULES ABOUT THIS - RULES THAT WE PUT IN PLACE FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.

CG: THAT REASON IS PREVENTING A SOPORIFIED CLOWN FROM SOBERING UP AND GOING MURDER CRAZY ALL OVER OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES.

CG: AND FOR SOME REASON YOU HAVE TAKEN FOUR SWEEPS OF SUCCESSFULLY UN-MURDERED ASSES, AND DECIDED THAT YOUR STUPID HUMAN WEDDING IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO BREAK THAT STREAK LIKE SO MANY SHITTY ANIME SWORDS.

CC: 38P

CC: I knew you would react like t)(is.

CG: AND YET THAT DIDN’T MAKE YOU RETHINK YOUR IDIOTIC DECISION.

CC: No, because I t)(ink it’s RIDICULOUS t)(at after all t)(is time we’re still constantly sitting on )(im like a )(uman wriggler!

CC: It’s not as if I )(aven’t t)(oug)(t t)(is t)(roug)(.

CG: I REALLY WISH I HAD A WAY TO DOUBLE CAPS LOCK WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY SO AS TO PROPERLY EXPRESS MY RAGE RIGHT NOW.

CG: YOU CAN’T THINK THIS THROUGH!

CG: YOU WEREN’T THERE.

CG: EVEN IF YOU REMEMBERED THE GAME AT ALL, WHICH YOU DON’T, YOU WERE DEAD FOR ALL THE MURDER CLOWN MINDFUCKERY.

CC: Yes Karkat, I know.

CC: We ALL know, because we’ve been )(earing it non-stop for FOUR SW—-E————EPS.

CC: Me, Tavros, Nepeta, ——Equius.

CC: And —Eridan, I suppose, but t)(at’s neit)(er )(ere nor t)(ere.

CC: None of us get a proper say in anyt)(ing because we “DON’T UNDERSTAND.”

CG: I MEAN RIGHT NOW YOU DON’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY LETTING GAMZEE MOTHERFUCKING MAKARA OUT AMONG THE GENERAL PUBLIC IS NOT ONLY A WORSE IDEA THAN TRYING TO SEDUCE AN IMPERIAL DRONE.

CG: BUT ALSO - AGAIN - NOT EVEN THE TINIEST, MOST MINUSCULE BIT OF YOUR BUSINESS.

CC: Inviting people to my )(uman wedding is entirely my business.

CG: I’D SAY YOU’RE BEING PURPOSEFULLY THICK.

CG: BUT I’M STARTING TO THINK YOUR THINKPAN IS TOO SHALLOW FOT THAT DESCRIPTION TO APPLY.

CG: THIS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN SOME SHITTY PARTY.

CC: Wow, you’ve got me all figured out t)(ere.

CC: T)(is is all about filling out a guest list because t)(at’s t)(e only t)(ing I care aboat.

CC: Glub, glub, glub. Fis)( pun.

CG: IF THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE SARCASM YOU’RE DOING A TERRIBLE JOB.

CC: Urg)(.

CC: Let’s just imagine for a second.

CC: T)(at even t)(oug)( I wasn’t t)(ere, I understand w)(at kind of carp went down back in t)(e game, because I )(ave a S-ECR-ET superpower.

CC: T)(e power to listen w)(en people tell me t)(ings!

CC: I know you’ve never —-EXACTLY been able to master t)(at one.

CG: HOOFBEASTSHIT.

CC: No! Listening now!

CC: We’ve been living )(ere on Eart)( C more t)(an twice as long as t)(at stupid game went for.

CC: And I t)(ink it’s un)(ealt)(y for you - and it IS mostly you - to keep trying to micromanage everyt)(ing and everyone based on w)(at went down back t)(en.

CG: HONESTLY, GIVING UP ON TRYING TO KEEP YOU IN PARTICULAR ALIVE IS STARTING TO SOUND REALLY TEMPTING RIGHT NOW.

CC: Anyway, I’ve got it all figured out.

CC: We give Gamzee a trial run at being part of t)(e world again in a conc)(trolled environment.

CC: Wit)( Vriska standing by to do t)(e mind control t)(ing if t)(ere are any problems.

CC: Tavros gets to relax.

CC: For once!

CC: And you finally get to take t)(at stick out of your nook!!!

CG: OKAY.

CG: NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LISTEN.

CG: GAMZEE WAS MY ACTUAL, FOR-REAL, PALE AS THE DRIVEN FROZEN SKY EXCREMENT, MOIRAIL AT ONE POINT.

CG: NOT TO MENTION MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND.

CG: AND FOR ALL THAT I PROBABLY UNDERSTOOD HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE ON ANY PLANET ANY OF US HAVE LIVED ON OR CREATED IN OUR ILLUSTRIOUS CAREERS.

CG: I STILL CAN’T COMPREHEND 99% OF THE SHIT THAT GOES THROUGH THAT GUY’S HEAD.

CG: SO WHEN I SAY THAT KEEPING HIM SOPORED UP AND AWAY FROM ANYTHING YOU WANT TO HAVE BE NOT PERMANENTLY RUINED AND/OR PSYCHO-MURDERED IS REALLY BULGE-BUGGERINGLY IMPORTANT.

CG: YOU DON’T GET A VOTE.

CG: AND THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU DO JUST HIGHLIGHTS THE PROFOUND SELF-CENTREDNESS YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR CULLING AND GLUBBING AND “LET’S DO AWAY WIT)( T)(E )(EMOSPECTRUM AND ALL JOIN IN ONE BIG GROUP WANK OVER )(OW GREAT EVERYT)(ING IS.”

CC: W———ELL, you’re paranoid!

CC: And condescending!

CC: And you t)(ink you can lead us all around like little quackbeasts all in a row!

CC: But t)(is isn’t the game any more, so you don’t get to call leader and expect everyone to do as you say.

CC: (Which t)(ey never did anyway, except to )(umour you.)

CC: I know I don’t get to make c)(oices for Gamzee or anyone else.

CC: So I am leaving t)(is one up to )(im.

CC: )(e is invited to our )(uman wedding, and so are you.

CG: I’LL BE THERE.

CG: BECAUSE I A) GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOLLUX, AND B) WHEN THIS INEVITABLY GOES RUMBLE SPHERES UP I WANT TO BE THERE TO REMIND YOU THAT I FUCKING CALLED IT.

CC: Well t)(en.

CC: See you T)(——ER————E.

CG: FINE.

CC: Fine.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling  cuttlefishCuller [CC]

* * *

cuttlefishCuller [CC]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA] 

CC: I )(ave the weirdest bulge rig)(t now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck but I love pesterlogs. Just a little intermission before the main event


	4. Sollux and Feferi: Part One

Three Months Later

Your name is Jade Harley and it is definitely not your fault that most bridesmaid’s dresses are not made for cartwheeling. Nepeta managed one without splitting anything, and you assumed you could do the same. You could not.

Now Kanaya is bent over trying to repair the damage just half an hour before everything’s set to start. You and Nepeta are sitting behind her, trying to see how many bits of ribbon you can tie on to her horns without her noticing. From what movies have taught you, things should probably be more hectic, but Feferi is completely unbothered, only having gone off to get dressed herself ten minutes earlier. The remaining four of you are in a lavishly decorated bedroom, of which you saw at least twelve on the walk up here.

“Who are you talking to?” Nepeta asks Terezi, who typing on her phone, red boots hanging off the edge of an enormous bed.

“Just some lame kid.”

“John?”

Terezi laughs, “Not that lame.”

“Dave’s not here yet?” you ask, for definitely no particular reason.

“They’re running late. Patented Vantas pre-party meltdown.”

Kanaya looks up suddenly, nearly catching your hand with one horn. “Is everything alright?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Terezi pockets the phone. Taking sympathy on Kanaya, she adds, “They’re on their way so it can’t be too cataclysmic a disaster.”

“I thought that was the theme of this whole event,” mumbles Kanaya, refocusing.

You and Nepeta look at each other, eyebrows raised. She grins and you hold in a laugh.

“Are things dif-fur-ent now that you’re human married, Kanaya?” asks Nepeta.

Kanaya doesn’t look up. “Not to any appreciable degree. Rose and I were happy before and we are happy now.”

“Why bother then?” clips Terezi.

“I did not say it was not very nice, just that it was not really a change. I am also in the midst of ensuring the indefinite continuation of our race, which is a much more dynamic topic.”

Nepeta nods “With lots more adorable wigglers.”

“Once you’ve seen enough of them hatch they stop being all that adorable,” says Kanaya with a shudder.

By this point she’s done sewing, and hands you the repaired garment. It’s a very vivid pink, with ruffles. You take it and – never one for modesty – change back into it without bothering to leave the room. Nepeta does a kind of twist like she’s not sure if you expect her to turn around. Terezi can’t see you anyway, and Kanaya doesn’t care.

“How did Jane like the brooding caverns?” asks Terezi. “What I would have given to see that particular cultural exchange, so to speak.”

Kanaya hesitates. “She expected less birthing slime. We are still trying to meet each other halfway on that particular issue.”

“Shit. Please tell me this isn’t going to turn in to a low-key wordstrife once you two have had a few.”

“I don’t drink.”

“Jane does.”

Kanaya raises one very refined eyebrow at Terezi. “I like Jane very much, and she likes me. We’re working to see each other’s point of view.”

“Sounds very healthy, and also very booooooooring.”

“Miss Pyrope, I heard exactly how many o’s you just indulged in and I do not approve.”

They’re interrupted by something large, white and swishy making its way into the room. You have to take a second look before you realise it’s Feferi in a preposterously large wedding dress. She’s somehow managing to hold a large serving tray packed with martini glasses. The liquid inside glitters, and you really hope it’s meant to do that. It’s not the first time one of your non-human friends has mistaken their edibles for their inedibles.

“I’m hearing way too many serious voices, when this is supposed to be a day for fun,” she says, laying her tray down next to Kanaya’s sewing machine. “The red ones have alcohol, the blue ones don’t.”

Terezi picks up a red drink and sniffs it. “Are these… Sollux-themed?”

“I thought it was creative?” asks Feferi, nonplussed.

You pick up a red one as well. “It’s creative,” you say, “and also weirdly off-putting.”

Feferi giggles. “And this is why you do a trial run. Maybe I should get some other colours done up for later?”

“I’ll cheers to that,” you say. Once Kanaya and Nepeta have blue glasses in hand, you clink them together and take a sip. It’s actually quite nice, but you think you’ll stick to one.

You’ve come to a realisation recently, and think it’s probably best to have a clear head when you act on it. The time for experimenting – with humans, trolls, carapacians and various combinations thereof - has passed, you think. You’re ready to start building something like Rose and Kanaya have, with someone (or someones, but you don’t think you’re ever going to be taken up on that particular offer) who understands the batshit life you’ve led. You’re pretty sure you’ve decided who exactly you would like that to be. The time has come, you tell yourself, to lay it all on the line. Succeed or fail, at least you will have tried. In your head, you cheers to that.

“She does look purr-etty,” ponders Nepeta as Feferi bustles away.

Kanaya sighs. “Nepeta, you’re blind. She looks like a big meringue.”

* * *

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are absolutely not late because of a freak out. Four wheeled device trouble can happen to anyone. The fact that this particular four wheeled device problem coincided with your realising you may be headed right in to a slasher movie pulled directly from your literal nightmares is entirely coincidental.

Dave parks by the front door, very likely not where anyone intended you to park, and the two of you make your way through what has been described to you as a “beach hive”. You stupidly assumed that, as a second hive, it would have less than a hundred blocks. You were wrong.

“Where are we even going?” you ask Dave about three ostentatiously decorated blocks in.

He stops. “I was following you.”

“What in the ever-loving fuck would you do that for?”

“Aren’t you best man? Not knowing where to find the wedding is some seriously sub-par best manning, dude.”

“I don’t know what that means, and also shut up.”

You are about to deliver even more devastating burns when a door behind Dave swings open violently to reveal Vriska.

“You’re l-eight,” she says, looking irritatingly amused.

“How did you-” you begin.

“Terezi,” Dave and Vriska interrupt you simultaneously. You realise you can now hear the sounds of a whole load of people and you hurry past Vriska.

Outside you find a sea of guests sat facing the ocean. There’s concrete somewhere underfoot, hidden under a thin layer of sand, and you skid a little as you walk quickly around the seated guests. Several of them turn to look at you as you pass. Sollux is standing off to the side of a massive arch made out of more flowers than you’ve ever seen in a single place. Aradia waves at you from his right.

“Thank fuck,” Sollux says, gesturing for you and Dave to take your places between he and Roxy, “ED kept giving me these _looks_ like he wanted to fill in.”

Dave snickers. “Fill what in?”

You elbow him.

Sollux is unamused. “I can’t believe you idiots managed to screw up the only instruction I gave you. Oh, wait, I really can.”

“Hey,” says Dave, “we wore black and that was totally an instruction.”

“So was ‘Be on time’. Isn’t that supposed to be your thing, Strider?”

“You know what, you’re right, I’ve failed. I better go hand in my awesome pyjamas and mastery over an entire dimension.”

Roxy leans over. “Totally great to see you guys, but I think shits about to get going so you should maybe shut up.”

You think Callie smiles at you, but honestly, you’ve always found it hard to tell.

The music strikes up. You take another look out over the crowd, which is far denser with trolls than at Rose and Kanaya’s. Your eyes stop at a lazy grin set beneath a pair of tall horns that has you mentally looking for exits even though you’re already outside. Even after all these sweeps it happens like a reflex before you notice that the eyes above that grin are slow and droopy, not wide and staring.

By the time you refocus, Nepeta and Jade have already reached the end of the aisle. Kanaya is halfway down, and you notice she’s got lots of different coloured bits of ribbon tied in bows on her horns. It’s weird, but you’ve never understood fashion. When Terezi get close enough to smell you, she pokes her tongue out at you and Dave. He laughs, you scowl.

Finally, there’s Feferi, taking up nearly the entire aisle’s width in dress alone. You feel a wave of frustration remembering your last conversation.

The music dies down, and Aradia steps up to the microphone with her hand tipped at a weird angle that makes you think she might have written notes on it.

“Dearly bereaved,” she begins, “We are gathered here today in the sight of several gods, and in the face of this conflagration to join together Sollux Captor and Feferi Peixes in holy matriarchy.”

Out of the corner of your eye you can see Dave’s mouth set into a determined line beneath his shades. It’s his trying-really-hard-not-to-laugh face.

“Human marriage is, from what I’ve been told, not a restitution to be entered into lightly, but deliberately, soberly, and in the fear of at least one dog. Wait, sorry, _god._ If any persons here prescient can show any just cause why they may not awfully be joined together, may they speak now or forever hold their peach.”

She pauses, but everyone is quiet. You can see Rose in the second row, shoulders shaking and head in hands.

“I think that’s long enough,” Aradia continues, waiting on the audience to correct her. “Sollux is going to say his vows now.”

She takes a step backward, seemingly pleased.

“FF,” says Sollux, looking as uncomfortable as you’ve ever seen him, “When you first brought up getting human married, I said that human traditions were dumb. They still definitely are, but I figured that of course I would do dumber things than this to make you happy and, honestly, if it just comes down to hanging out together until we die that was always sort of the plan, so what does it matter if everyone knows? You know that I wouldn’t be up here talking about fucking _feelings_ of all things if I wasn’t crazy flushed for you, and that makes having to state it out loud completely redundant so… Shit, you know what I’m getting at here, right? Love, commitment, all that other crap that I always figured could go unsaid but apparently can’t. Well, this is me, saying that.”

Feferi nods as he finishes, and takes his hands in hers. There’s something about it that feels private, despite the fact that there are at least a few hundred people present.

“I know, and I get that you find all of this a bit silly.” Feferi clears her throat, sounding uncharacteristically nervous, “When I woke up here four sweeps ago, I didn’t remember you at all. If you’d never said anything, I would never have known what I’d missed out on. You didn’t have to reach out to me, but you chose to. So, I suppose what I really wanted to do today – in front of everyone, so you can’t pretend later that I didn’t say it – was to tell you that I would choose you and me every time. I plan to choose us for the rest of my life, and then probably after that, because…”

Feferi chokes a little. You’ve never seen her cry before.

“Because fuck death and fuck fate! No greater force gets to tell us what we’re _supposed _to do anymore. I dare it to try.”

You don’t tear up this time, but you think that you understand that particular sentiment more than you care to admit. It’s hard not to get royally pissed off about your own mortality when you remember that some of you might potentially live forever.

Aradia, after a few moments of tense silence, takes up the microphone again. She asks them both if they take each other as husband and wife. They do.

There’s clapping, cheering, and a metric shittonne of confetti. You let it wash over you, literally and figuratively, and watch the last guy you ever imagined committing to anything walk back down the aisle hand in hand with his not-human human wife. ‘Official matesprit’, maybe? You have no idea. You can’t help but feel like all this human commitment hoofbeastshit is leaving you a little behind.

Once they’re gone, and everyone starts getting up, Dave rushes past you to tap Aradia on the shoulder.

“That was,” he begins, “the single greatest officiation job of all time. Where did you get your inspiration for that stuff at the beginning?”

Aradia smiles wide, “Thanks Dave! I tried to research human wedding ceremonies beforehand. There was one that humans apparently used for hundreds of sweeps, but – and no offence to you guys – it really doesn’t make a lot of sense when you read it out loud. I mean, what was with the stuff about fire out of nowhere?”

Dave nods seriously, and they begin walking back off toward the hive. “Early humans were straight up _obsessed_ with fire. It’s a little embarrassing and primitive but…”

You lose track of their conversation when you see the third shittiest person you know making a beeline straight for you. There’s nowhere to hide.

“Vantas, we have something extremely serious to discuss.” Equius is perspiring, and you really hope it’s with rage.

“If this is about what I think it is then you should know straight up that I had nothing to do with it,” you reply.

“The heiress said-”

“Oh, fuck that, now she’s just trying to piss me off.”

Equius has deflated a little, not having been able to give the verbal dressing down he presumably had planned. “Be that as it may, the situation as it stands is completely unacceptable.”

“I know, dipshit, I agree with you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“This is certainly an… unexpected turn of events.”

You put your hands over your face and exhale in a rush. Why is this shit always left for you to deal with? “Feferi insisted on letting him come. She thinks having Vriska on standby is precaution enough because she’s delusional.”

“Obviously it was not enough before.”

“Look, I’ve thought about this, and starting a scene now might be more dangerous than just keeping an eye on him and letting this rainbow rumpus asshat party play out.”

“If you are mistaken about that and Nepeta-”

You cross your arms. “Hey, let’s not forget who kneeled down and let that exact fucking thing happen last time.”

“Things are different now,” Equius straightens up and adjusts his shades, “If the highbl- if Makara makes a single wrong move, he is going to die.”

“No. What part of stop trying to murder each other do you assholes not understand. If something goes wrong just – I don’t know – slap him. That should shatter at least six bones.”

“I will not be ordered about in this manner.”

“Yeah, of course, and while you’re not doing what I say, how about you don’t piss off.”

While Equius figures out what to do with that particular instruction you abscond off into the sizeable crowd headed inside. As much as you don’t want to speak to the guy, it’s actually a bit of a relief to know at least one more of you is on your guard.

There are drinks on practically every surface as you re-enter the hive. You’re almost impressed at how quickly they appeared, given that you ran through this same block just before the ceremony. On the other hand, human alcohol is one more thing you need to keep Gamzee away from. You really should check in with-.

“Vriska!” you call out, perhaps a bit loud considering she’s not more than ten feet away from you, leaning against a wall with a martini glass in hand, “What are you doing out here?”

“Well, first I was going to get something to drink,” she takes a sip, “Which, oh wow, it seems like I’ve done. So next I was going to go track down the happy couple and congratul-eight them.”

You can feel a headache start to build. “Okay, one: stop fucking with Sollux. Two: you’re supposed to be on Gamzee duty, and a major part of that - I know this may be a bit difficult to grasp - is watching Gamzee!”

“If you don’t calm down soon you’re going to burst something. I _am_ watching,” she taps the bridge of her nose, “Or at least, Tavros is, and I’m seeing what he’s seeing.”

“Oh, great, why didn’t you say so before. Never mind that this negates the whole point of having two people on clown watch!”

Vriska groans dramatically. “Geez, Peixes is right about you needing to get that stick out of your nook. We’ve got this shit sorted, you’re just working yourself up over nothing.”

“Urgh, don’t even get me started on – Look, this is not a debate. Equius is about ready to murder him just for being here, so now I also need you to play bodyguard, because we both know that, for that job, Tavros is about as much use as a paper hive in a hurricane.”

“Fiiiiiiiine,” Vriska pushes herself off the wall, “But, if you see Sollux, tell him he did exactly as well as I expected.”

“Give it up, he’s not going to bite.”

“Oh, he will. I’m going to get him to admit, at least once, that he has a raging h-eight bulge for me. Literally every other one of you doofuses has done at some point. I’m like troll Captain Ahab, and he’s my white spoutbeast.”

“I haven’t either, Captain Ego. Also, you do know Ahab dies in the end?” you ask.

Vriska grins with infuriating smugness. “Sure you haven’t, and Ahab only dies after he and the spoutbeast have a series of whacky adventures and learn the true meaning of Twelfth Perigree's Eve.”

You are completely lost. “I don’t think we’re talking about the same movie anymore.”

“And I really don’t care. See you around, Vantas.”

She stalks off, and you take advantage of the relative solitude to breathe. You can feel your blood pusher pumping faster with your rising tension and that really can’t be healthy. It drives you crazy, the way no one else seems to see that your theoretical utopia is really just a house of cards that every one of your so-called friends seems determined to topple in their own unique, stupid way. Yeah, maybe you’re putting all this on yourself, but _someone_ has to. You need to sit down. You need to relax.

You wonder where Dave has gotten to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this turned into almost 100% set-up. I think this wedding will end up stretching to three chapters, with more actual stuff happening in the second two so stay tuned if you're interested in that. Oh, and Aradia's intro is a bastardisation of the wedding script from the Book of Common Prayer, that English people used from like the 1600s onward.


	5. Sollux and Feferi: Part Two

Your name is Dave Strider and you are feeling brave.

Only an hour ago you were not feeling very brave at all. You sat talking to Aradia, while simultaneously trying to talk yourself into doing something very important. You had no success. So, like the true ecto-biological offspring of Roxy Lalonde that you are, you had a drink. Then you had another.

Drinks three, four and five were entirely Dirk’s fault.

He’d joined you and Aradia at a little table in what you can only – because of its ridiculous size – describe as a dining hall. Feferi seemed to have gone for a mixed sit down/buffet/waiters with trays setup which you could totally get behind because fuck picking one option when you can pick all of them instead. Dirk seemed in the kind of shitty mood that tended to coincide with he and Jake being recently off again, and so didn’t try and get involved in your and Aradia’s straight up gossip sesh.

“Really, I’m not all that bothered about filling quadrants,” she had said, “Talk to some trolls and you’d think that’s all we ever think about, but I’m happy with things the way they are. I have a brilliant moirail, and the rest will either happen or it won’t.”

“That’s such a healthy approach to this shit that I think you might actually be deathly ill. Someone better come over and like, put a cloth on your fevered brow or something before you faint like a Victorian maiden.”

Aradia laughed. “Sometimes you make absolutely no sense, Dave.”

“What about Zahhak though?” you’d asked. “Wasn’t that a ‘thing’ at one point.”

“Oh, no. We were never really in a quadrant, it was more… He’s sort of just…” Aradia cast around for the right description, and as the pause lengthened, Dirk had interrupted.

“A weirdly good lay?”

Aradia nodded. “Exactly.”

They’d shared a look of understanding that will haunt you until your dying day, and that was when you decided you needed to drink enough to forget the entire exchange. It is not working. You wonder if Feferi has any turpentine. You wonder if turpentine is a thing that exists on Earth C at all.

The party has spread itself out over the entire ground floor. That is going to make it much easier, you think, to avoid your ecto-family, who are the only people likely to see through your flawless sober act. You don’t quite know where you are, because this place is massive, and it’s hard to tell one lavishly decorated room from another. You decide to follow the music back to the ballroom, which has the dual advantage of being where the dancing is, and opened up to the beach. You could really do with some fresh air.

There are chairs and little café tables all around the edges of the dancefloor, which puts you in mind of an elementary school dance, except that only one guy is stood against the wall looking like he doesn’t want to be here. You know that guy, and he is exactly the troll you’re looking for.

Your heart swells in a totally-not-pathetic way. All the doubts you remember having earlier melt away in a rush of unearned confidence.

He’s watching everyone dance, although his exact focus is obvious. You feel more than a bit shit for forgetting your share of clown watch. More because of Karkat than because you’re all that worried yourself. Right now, Gamzee is spinning slowly in a sea of dancers, a salamander clinging to each horn, as harmless as anyone you’ve seen. You don’t trust him, but you also can’t work yourself up into Vantas-level vigilance. A little further off, Terezi and Egbert are dancing so tightly together you’re sure someone’s lost circulation.

That’s not exactly news to you but you were under the impression it wasn’t public knowledge. Until now, you guess.

Karkat hasn’t seen you, so you plant your back against the wall a little way down from him and ever-so-coolly slide along it until the two of you are standing side by side. When he notices you he jumps, putting his hand to his chest like some flighty heroine.

“The fuck did you come from?” he barks.

“I am here,” you choose your words with care, “To remind you that there is Earth C’s single biggest dancefloor right there, and we are doing the whole planet a goddamn disservice by not tearing it to pieces right now.”

Karkat seems confused. You realise you’re not being clear enough, and hold out your hand to him. “You’re being asked to dance, dude. Like a southern belle at her fucking debutant ball.” You crank up the accent, “Karkat Marie Vantas, may I have this dance?”

“That’s not my name, dumbass,” he says, all red and gruff and blustery. He resists as you drag him away, but only enough that you know he really wants to come with you. That sounded a bit creepy even in your head, but you _do_ know. You know Karkat better than anyone in the universe.

He isn’t going to move without prompting, so you take hold of both his arms, and pull one at a time as if he’s an angry, two-stringed marionette.

“This isn’t funny, Dave,” he says as you make a valiant effort to twist him all the way around, though it’s making you very dizzy, “I’ve got to focus. I can’t get anyone to take this shit seriously. Except one of them, who’s taking it too seriously. So basically, I’ve got to handle everything on my own. I’m a lone fucking shepherd herding eleven vaguely suicidal woolbeasts.”

“Okay, how about,” you begin, “We assume all that’s all true, but we also imagine that you can take like fifteen minutes off from obsessing about your dumbass sheep, and just maybe the universe isn’t going to collapse in on itself.”

The song ends and, realising you might need to be more direct, you let go of his hands and go for the hips.

He freezes.

“Shoulders,” you prompt.

“What?”

“You put your hands on my shoulders. That’s how dancing works.”

“I know how dancing works!”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

Karkat does as you say, and the [next song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7l4L6HW5mQE) starts up. It’s slower.

“What the fuck? Did you do that?” he says, eyes narrowed.

“I do have a very particular set of skills,” you say gravely, “but telekinesis isn’t one of them.”

You’re close now. He’s not meeting your eyes, but you watch his from behind your shades. The first traitorous waves of doubt you’ve felt since drink three start to creep in.

You start swaying because up until now you’ve both been standing still like the doofiest of doofuses. “Look, I’m trying to be charming here, and you’re just not playing along.”

He rolls his eyes. “Can you not just make whatever ironic point you’re building up to so we can move on?”

“Yes, absolutely, one hundred percent,” you take a deep breath, “So, these last, what, seven years or so? They’ve been pretty great.”

“That’s up for debate.”

“Hey, do you want to get to the moving on part or not?” You swallow. This is not going according to plan at all. “I think we can take for granted that you and me and living together is pretty much the best thing ever. It’s like, I get to hang out with my best friend every single day, doing pretty much fuck all. That’s kinda the dream right there.”

God, this is a weird song. It’s reminding you of Dirk and… wow were you doing a good job not thinking about that.

You continue “I’ve just sorta been thinking over the last – I don’t know, ages probably – that maybe we’re not living up to our full potential. Like, shit’s sweet now but there’s also a distinct possibility it could be even sweeter with a couple adjustments.”

Karkat has gone even stiffer – poor choice of words – hopefully because he’s figured out which topic you’re manfully talking around.

“So,” Karkat says, slower than normal, “You’re saying there’s something about you and me that needs to be fixed?”

“No way, dude, nothing here is broken. It’s more like adding something to make us even more kickass.”

He’s staring right at you now, frowning. It’s not his angry frown, but his confused one. You think maybe he’s never going to get it until you do something that can’t be misinterpreted.

Five drinks, and more lame-but-also-amazing feelings than you can number spur you on.

You fix your eyes on his lips and lean slowly in.

Before you get far you suddenly feel something vibrate.

The fuck?

“Fuck,” Karkat pulls away from you and fumbles for his phone. Lost, you shrug your hands back into your pockets and try not to look as awkward as you feel. The song finishes. You can see that Karkat’s opened Trollian, and he is furiously scrolling through his messages.

“I’ve got to go,” he says, “Eridan’s losing his shit. But we will finish the whole talk thing after I make sure no one’s about to go all Troll Jason Vorhees on this clusterfuck of a reception.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” you reply, because what the fuck else can you say.

Karkat rushes past you and out of the ballroom. People are still dancing, but you’re not in the mood, and instead wander slowly off the floor. Your stomach sinks with disappointment. Maybe also with drunkenness, you have trouble telling the difference. The bright lights and heat of people all around are making you way too warm. You need to think.

* * *

You end up in an en-suite upstairs, splashing water on your face. The bathroom is packed with so much gold in such a small space that for a minute you thought you’d passed out and woken up in a prospit-themed dream bubble. You’re feeling disappointed, but have managed to console yourself with the fact that you were never actually turned down. Even if Karkat caught on to what you were trying to say – which you’re not sure he did – you reason that macking on him while a whole party full of people watched was probably a terrible idea. The Karkat Vantas you know and… appreciate immensely was never going to respond well to that. You had a vague, misguided idea that the whole wedding atmosphere might play on his romantic sensibilities. Maybe that was a mistake, but you’re not out of the game yet. You have only taken your first step in the marathon that is getting your best friend to have an honest conversation about his goddamn feelings.

Thus comforted, and after having relieved yourself, you decide it’s time to get back out there. This party’s not even halfway finished, the music is pounding, and your Jade senses are tingling.

The moment you flick off the lights, the door flies open with a bang. You see a flash of blonde hair before it closes again, and the room goes dark. You take an instinctive step back into the bathroom. There’s a thump, and then another. You have an idea of who you’re hearing. If you’re right, this may be turning in to the worst night of your post-game life.

More than one set of footsteps sound on the tile, then the rug. Then bedsprings.

You have to get out of here before…

A breathy moan, then, “Jiminy, _Strider_. ”

You never thought you would be so relieved to hear that faux-English drawl. It’s actually kind of unsettling how relieved you are. You need to leave.

With eyes firmly closed you feel your way along the wall between the bathroom and bedroom doors. You fumble your way out and pull the door shut behind you.

John is halfway down the hallway you emerge into. He looks surprised, but pleased.

Hey Dave!” he says, “We were wondering where you ended up.”

“Who’s we?” you ask, as nonchalantly as possible.

“Mostly Terezi and me. We saw Karkat run off and then you just disappeared. Everything alright?” He tips his head, concerned.

“Hey Egbert, do you have a sec to talk about something? Like a not that big of a deal but still kind of embarrassing something.”

“Course, dude.”

He motions toward the door you’re leaning against.

“Yeah, let’s not. Our Dads are totally doing it in there.”

John cringes, “Eww, that is so weird.”

“Look, I get that you’re ‘not gay’,” you lecture, “but this straight-up homophobia you’re putting out right now is so not okay.”

“I didn’t mean because they’re guys!” He throws up his hands, “I meant because they’re them.”

You clap him on the shoulder. “Relax, bro. Everyone knows that shit is all kinds of messed up.”

Wary of risking another bedroom, the two of you make your way to the end of the hall, where you see a glass door that either leads to a balcony, or a two storey drop. This is a mansion of troll design so you figure there’s equal chance of either. Luckily, gravity hasn’t bothered either of you in over a decade.

It’s a balcony. From it you can see the moonlit ocean, and a section of the beach onto which the reception has spilled. Clusters of guests stand chatting, with a few lounging and a few more in the water. You can feel the music’s beat through the floor. Over-indulgence aside, Peixes throws one hell of a party.

John is leaning over the railing. He pats his pockets, and you just know he’s looking for something to toss over the edge. He looks disheartened when he doesn’t find anything.

“So, Terezi. Finally made it official, huh?” you ask as he turns back around.

“Yeah, I guess so. The quadrant thing isn’t totally settled, but I’ve never been great at that troll stuff.”

“Preaching to the choir, man.” You adjust your shades, “I’m happy for you guys and everything, just kinda surprised it’s that easy after all this time - the whole will-they, won’t-they merry-go-round.”

“Heh, it _was_ a bit dumb.”

“How’d you manage it?” you ask, because you can use all the help you can get right now.

John rubs at the back of his neck, eyes flicking sideways. “I don’t know, I guess I just realised how much time I wasted waiting for things to be just right with me and her. Now I think maybe things are never as just right as you think they should be, you know?”

You do. “Not really.”

“Well, I’m really into Terezi, and she’ll occasionally admit to being into me. We decided to start with that and figure the rest out as we go, instead of how I was going crazy trying to get everything perfect first.”

“So, what? You just walk up to her all ‘Sup babe, name’s John. This is your lucky night’?”

“Does anyone actually talk like that?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“If they do they don't live on this planet.”

John chuckles. The noise from the party seems to rise to fill the silence. You ponder how everything seems so simple when John says it. Burn not intended.

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

No. Maybe.

“Yeah, just trying to solve the mystery of Egbert the surprise ladykiller savant.”

“You know it,” he replies, making a knowingly dorky hand gesture, “I guess I’ll head back down then. So many ladies to woo, so little time.”

He winks. You roll your eyes, even though he can’t see you do it behind the shades.

“I’ll be in in a sec. ‘S way too hot in there.”

“You are starting to look a lot like a tomato,” John considers, “Or Karkat when he’s _really_ pissed off.”

“Bullshit.”

“See you later, Dave.”

You lean back over the railing as the glass door swings shut. There are more people down below now, a few of whom have started a drunken chorus of _I’m a Member of the Midnight Crew_.

You feel better after speaking with John, even if you hadn’t exactly bared your soul. He makes everything seem so easy, and you could use a bit of that right now. He has bolstered your confidence, and you are again ready to put your heart on the line like it’s a freshly washed set of sweet red pyjamas.

As you prepare to follow John back into the party, you hear a pair of familiar voices float up from beside your balcony. Karkat and Kanaya have sequestered themselves away from the other guests, and are speaking low but clear enough for you to hear. You’re about to yell down to them, when what you’re hearing stops you.

“It’s making me really uncomfortable,” grumbles Karkat.

“Then just say so,” Kanaya offers.

“I would, but there’s… friendship stuff to think about.”

“He has his faults, but you know he would not let this affect your friendship.”

“Do I? He can be a massive dick sometimes,” you feel your face begin to heat up as Karkat continues, “Can’t you do it for me? Just say ‘Karkat’s flattered, etcetera, but also supremely disinterested so kindly fuck off.’”

There’s a quiet moment in which your heart beats faster and your eyes begin to prick with tears. You should stop listening – you _want_ to stop listening – but you don’t.

“You are getting pretty riled up about this. Are you sure there is not even a chance that-”

“I’m sure. The whole thing is weird and the sooner we pretend it never happened the better.”

You turn back to the door. Between the darkness, your shades, and the tears that are welling up behind them it’s a miracle you get it open as quickly as you do. It closes, and cuts off all sound from outside. You try to calm yourself down but it's not working. Being rejected, even by your best friend, is one thing. You can deal with that. It’s the idea that Karkat thinks turning you down would jeopardise your friendship that really hurts. You hate yourself for whatever you did to make him think your bro-ship was not a universal fucking constant.

He’s right, you are a massive dick. You want to go to him and apologise, but don’t know if he’d prefer you back right off.

You wander from room to room, disoriented and miserable and still a little drunk.

Your name is Dave Strider, and your heart has been broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel as if I should add a disclaimer that this shit has a happy ending. Also I took forever to finish this bit cause it's kind of a critical chapter and also real life stuff took precedence.


	6. Sollux and Feferi: Part Three

**Thirty Minutes Earlier**

Your name is Jade Harley and you are starting to regret stopping for a breather. You left the dancefloor in search of a time out and something to eat, eventually settling at a table with Jake, Tavros, and a slumped-over lump of shiny fabric that was most likely Eridan. You’d mimed drinking at Jake, who shook his head and traced an imaginary tear down each cheek in response. Situation thus established, you’d gotten well into discussing Jake’s next expedition, and wolfing down appetisers without a thought for cutlery. Ten or so minutes later, a faint sound wriggles its way into your awareness.

First, it’s sighs – gradually increasing in noise and force – then a dramatic switch from slumping forward to swooning backward. Now Eridan has his elbows perched wide on the table, dramatically swirling a still-full glass of what is either human champagne or a probably much more interesting troll equivalent. It’s a familiar standoff. He wants someone to ask, but you’ve all been here too many times to fall into that particular trap.

So, like always, he takes the initiative.

“It’s just so fuckin’ depressin’.”

“What’s depressing?” asks Tavros, who – only half paying attention – has missed your warning look. His eyes keep flicking restlessly around the room, not landing on anything in particular.

Eridan, as if on cue, takes a long swig of his mystery drink and lets out his loudest sigh yet. “This whole situation, Tav. I know human marriage is a new fad, like some big special commitment, but what it all comes down to is still everyone sitting here – same people, same problems, same dramas – and after a while it just seems kinda pointless. Like… some big wheel turning around on a spoke – moving, but not going anywhere.”

“I say, old chap,” says Jake, nonplussed. “That was _almost_ profound.”

“No, it was just melodramatic,” you disagree, just a little defensively. “We’re making progress all the time.”

“Are we?” ponders Eridan, swirling his glass. “Or are we just circlin’ the same waste outflow cylinders as always?”

Tavros frowns thoughtfully. “Is that not, er, just another metaphor expressing the same idea.”

Eridan slaps a hand to his forehead. “Sometimes really good ideas need more than one metaphor in order to properly articulate them.”

You find yourself getting frustrated. This is not the kind of negative thinking you need right now.

“Is this a Sollux and Feferi thing?” you snap. “Because the only person who _hasn’t_ moved on there is you.”

“Hey, I happen to have moved so far on from that whole mess I can’t even see it on the horizon anymore. I’m moving on to bigger and better things now. Or at least I would be if the whole thing weren’t a fuckin’ scam.” Eridan throws his hands up in the air.

“What whole-”

“Hey, asshole!”

You’re interrupted by Karkat, who has steamrolled his way through the crowd impressively for someone so unimposing. He is cheeks are flushed bright red. The people he’s displaced are too buzzed by now to be bothered.

“What?” exclaims Eridan, who hasn’t bothered to consider that Karkat is addressing someone else. “I can say for absolute certain I haven’t done anything this evening that would warrant such a disparaging form ‘a address.”

Karkat starts pacing back and forth along one half of the circular table. He doesn’t stop to acknowledge you or anyone else, which is too predictable a behaviour at this point to bother you. Instead you’re now kind of curious as to what’s set him off.

“Then how come I have all these messages from Feferi about an Eridan situation that needs urgent handling?” he asks, exasperated.

“Fef?” Eridan replies. “She was here twenty minutes ago and everything was fine.”

Karkat is beginning to deflate a bit. He nods at you, and seems slightly embarrassed at how little of a ‘situation’ there seems to be. You vaguely noticed that Jake has left the table. He and Dirk are having a low, angry-sounding conversation a few meters away. Speaking of circling the drain, you think.

“You didn’t say anything to her that might make her think there was some sort of crisis?” Karkat asks after a few moments.

Eridan considers this. “Not that I can think of. And even if I did, Fef kinda makes a point of stayin’ out ‘a my affairs in any way that might be misconstrued as having sympathetic connotations, if you get my meanin’.”

You roll your eyes, “Maybe she’s trying to set you up?”

Eridan looks as thoughtful as Karkat does disgusted.

“Nah,” he eventually reasons, “Would only be if there’s actually somethin’ to be worked through. Unless you can explain this whole human marriage thing to me in a way that actually makes sense, I’ve got no immediate problems for you.”

“What about it don’t you get?” you ask, now curious despite yourself.

“Well, mostly how anyone ever finds someone to human marry them. I’ve asked literally everyone I know at this point and still nothing. Heck, I’ve asked at least five people I met tonight and no one’s been even a little interested.”

Tavros frowns slightly. “You’ve never asked me.”

“Shit Tav, really?” replies Eridan, appearing genuinely surprised. “Well, would you like to?”

“Er, no thanks. But it was very nice of you to ask.”

Eridan shrugs. “Literally any time.”

“I’ve got a tip for you fuckfins,” begins Karkat. “Stop asking everyone you meet to human marry you. Even humans like to think you’ve put at least some thought into it.”

Now you’ve had enough. “Yep, _even_ the humans. Karkat, have you seen Dave?”

Karkat’s face scrunches up even tighter, “We – He was dancing, I think.”

Perfect. You’re getting pretty tired of listening to other people spout bullshit. Tonight, you have your own, more important, bullshit to spout. You don’t bother with goodbyes as Karkat and Eridan have already resumed talking. Instead, you focus on taking a couple of deep breaths as you very calmly and casually book it back toward the ballroom.

* * *

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you can’t quite remember how you got so derailed as to be sitting here with Eridan, of all people, arguing over the intricacies of human courtship.

“But if there’s no repercussions for breakin’ this human marriage contract, then why even have one?” asks Eridan.

“It’s not a literal contract,” you say, because you’re about seventy percent sure that’s true. “And no one would really want someone stuck with them just because they’re afraid of ‘repercussions’.”

Eridan considers this for a second. “Well, you say no one…”

“No.”

“Even-”

“No.”

“Hey, there’s Fef. You can ask _her_ what those messages were about,” suggests Eridan, leaning back in his chair.

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” you say, getting to your feet. It might be worth checking on Gamzee too, as Tavros has been sitting here the whole time being entirely useless.

Feferi’s dress is hard to miss, and the closer you get the more you realise that she’s watching you as well. Sure, there’s smiles and chatter and thank-you-for-comings, but her eyes are fixed on you as you approach. The party is getting louder and drunker by the minute, and you’re forced to weave out of the way of several people passing by who definitely aren’t going to notice you.

“What the hell did you mean, ‘Eridan situation’?” you hiss, getting as close to Feferi as three feet of dress will allow.

She looks almost genuinely concerned, “I hope I didn’t disturb your night, Karkat. Eridan just sea-med really down and I know how concerned you were about Gamzee, so I figured -”

“Hoofbeast. Shit. You knew I would think there was an emergency. In fact,” you say, recalling Vriska and Equius’s comments from earlier, “you’ve been undermining me all day.”

Feferi rolls her eyes, “Really, Karkat, I’m undermining _your_ authority at _my_ human wedding?”

You can feel your cheeks heating up with anger. “I didn’t say authority, and if I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re purposely trying to get under…”

As realisation dawns you trail off, realising what’s actually going on here. Feferi’s wide-eyed, confused expression twists into a sharp-toothed grin.

“I’ll admit it might have been a little heavy-handed,” she says, after a few moments silence, “but in my defence, I haven’t reel-ly done this much before.”

You’re still rearranging your thoughts. “This being?”

“Blackflirting, obviously. That fight we had a few months ago was – well, it was different to any feelings I’ve ever had before. Except maybe for Vriska, but who hasn’t felt that way about Vriska at least once?”

“I haven’t!” you counter, “And that wasn’t-”

Feferi only grins wider. “Oh, I know, but there was so much potent-seal there, you know? You’re so much fun when you’re reel-ly worked up about something. I just figured I’d try and start something up again and sea how it went. I’m probably ruining it now by explaining everything, but you have to cut me some slack! I’m not very good at this. Or don’t, I guess, that would also work.”

Your head is beginning to hurt. Of all the ways you might have imagined this conversation going, this was definitely not one. You want to get angry but think that might just make things worse. Now the silence is starting to stretch on and you’re, for once, struggling for words. You’re not used to turning people down, and have never been so completely surprised like this. You open your mouth to reply. Feferi beats you to the punch.

“Think about it,” she says, “I don’t want to put you on the spot.”

“Too late.”

“Shh. Take your time. I’ll be around.” Feferi leans over and presses her lips to your cheek, still smiling. It is really, really, _platonically_ infuriating. Then she’s off, all swishy skirts as you try to wrap your head around what the fuck just happened.

Guests weave tipsily around you as if you were nothing more than a particularly disturbed statue. You really need to talk to someone right now, but that someone would usually be Dave and you absolutely do not want to talk to Dave about this. Briefly, you wonder if he’s still dancing. You wonder if he’s found someone else to dance with. You wonder where things might have been going if you hadn’t been interrupted.

Fuck Feferi, you decide. Fuck her for pulling you away from where you really wanted to be tonight. You are going back to the ballroom, and you are decidedly not going to think about anything but finishing your hideously awkward but somehow also amazing dance with Dave.

You manage the first part alright, but fail miserably at the second. You catch a flash of blonde hair that turns out to be the other Strider heading upstairs, and the nondescript black suits you’re both wearing mean that you have to spend a good five minutes establishing that Dave is absolutely no longer in the room. You make your way outside, onto the beach. It’s refreshingly cool and, while Dave doesn’t seem to be here either, you do spot Kanaya. She’s pulling bits of ribbon off her horns with a frustrated expression. You realise there may be a way to solve your Feferi problem without your having to ever directly acknowledge it.

“Hey, do you have a second,” you ask, because Kanaya one of the few people you know whose intervention actually tends to improve a situation.

“Of course,” she replies distractedly.

You glance around at the clusters of people nearby. “Over here,” you say, getting out of the wave of people that are heading outside.

Kanaya follows, made more interested by your feeble attempts at subterfuge.

“I need you to talk to someone for me.”

“Who and why?” asks Kanaya, eyebrows drawing together.

You sigh because even you know this is so fucking stupid. “I need you to tell Feferi that I don’t want to be her Kismesis.”

Kanaya holds up one finger and looks away from you. “Hold on, I just need a second to process that sentence.” She waits a few moments more, breathes deeply, and turns back. “What exactly did she say to you?”

“Is it really so shocking that someone could have unrequited black feelings for me?” you splutter, never mind that you also found it inconceivable just ten minutes earlier.

“It’s just so often the other way around,” Kanaya says, doing that little half-laugh that she definitely picked up from Rose and which you find very irritating.

“Well this time it’s not, and she said she had _feelings._”

Kanaya purses her lips. “Surely this is something you can sort out yourself. I really try not to involve myself in these kinds of situations anymore.”

You never even considered how ashen this proposition sounds. It’s possible you’ve spent too much of the last four sweeps with humans. Well, one human. “I know that, but I need to smother this whole idea before it grows legs and keep anyone else from finding out about it.”

“Anyone else being?” asks Kanaya.

“Literally anyone, but especially Sollux.” You say, taking a moment to lower your rising voice. “I don’t know what the rules are about playing other quadrants at your own human wedding, and I’m not interested in finding out.”

Kanaya raises a sceptical eyebrow. “And you’re definitely not going to consider it?”

You can hear yourself getting loud again, and move further from the other guests as you speak, eventually reclining against a pillar. “I don’t need to, she’s been dropping hints all day. It’s making me really uncomfortable.”

“Then just say so,” Kanaya offers.

“I would, but there’s… friendship stuff to think about.” You honestly have no idea if or how much his Matesprit’s hitting on you would bother Sollux, and aren’t keen on finding out.

“He has his faults, but you know he would not let this affect your friendship,” replies Kanaya, matter-of-factly.

“Do I?” you splutter. “He can be a massive dick sometimes. Can’t you do it for me? Just say ‘Karkat’s flattered, etcetera, but also supremely disinterested so kindly fuck off.’”

“You are getting pretty riled up about this. Are you sure there is not even a chance that-”

“I’m sure. The whole thing is weird and the sooner we pretend it never happened the better.”

Kanaya considers this for a moment. “Maybe, but I think you are overreacting. Just wait a few days, then send a considered Trollian rant about how you are flattered but disinterested. We are not wrigglers and you do not need me to pass your notes in Kindergarrotten.”

You are on the verge of saying that that is absolutely what you need, but manage to refrain. “Well, this has been really, bulge-buggeringly unhelpful. You’ve earned my undying thanks.”

“Karkat, just enjoy the party. Deal with the rest when everyone is calm and sober. I can guarantee Feferi is neither of those things. She might even be off the idea by tomorrow,” Kanaya shrugs. “Surely there are other things you would rather be doing than panicking because someone has a hate-crush on you.”

Obviously, there are things you would rather be doing. If not for the interventions of the carnival of weirdos you’ve somehow gotten stuck with, you absolutely would be doing other things. You would be with Dave.

“Have you seen Dave?” you blurt out.

Kanaya considers, “I saw him go upstairs.”

As you make your way back, once again, through the throngs of people, a sort of tenuous excitement bubbles up in your gut. It’s entirely possible that when you track Dave down the two of you will just talk shit at each other and go home like every other night. Unlike every other night, however, it feels like maybe you won’t. You climb the stairs with a weird, fluctuating smile that you keep trying to tamp down with a frown. It probably looks fucking stupid. You can’t decide if you care.

Once on the second floor landing you are momentarily indecisive about where to start looking. This hive has too many doors. You start off down the right-hand corridor and, before you get the chance to try a single door, you realise there’s a black-suited, light-haired figure leaning out on a balcony. The glass door is open, and it feels like the denouement of so many of your favourite movies.

You refrain from running down the hall, because you are not in a movie. You are cool. Well, if not cool you are at least composed. You walk faster, breathing heavier. You are not composed.

At the sound of your footsteps coming through the door, Dave turns, looking surprised behind his shades. You gather every ounce of courage you have ever had, grab him by the shoulders, and use the leverage to get your faces level.

You kiss him.

Dave shoves you away immediately, ripping off his glasses to reveal a pair of startled pink irises.

“Karkat, what the fuck?”

“Roxy?” you almost shout. You have never been so confused. “Why are you wearing those stupid glasses?”

Apparently-Roxy’s brows draw together in complete bewilderment, but they go for sarcasm instead of rage. “Of course. I’m the one that should be explaining myself here. Dave alchemised me a pair because he said if he looked super sick in them then I would too because we look so similar these days.” They stop speaking, annoyance fading as comprehension dawns. You think you felt more comfortable with annoyance.

The silence drags on.

“Look,” you offer, “if I apologise can we agree to never talk about this again?”

Roxy smiles sympathetically. “Yeah, for sure. Just maybe start asking people first before you start with the sloppy makeouts. And, y’know, check you’ve got the right dude.”

“I think it’s safe to say that I have learned my fucking lesson on that one.”

“Ouch,” says Roxy, wincing dramatically.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Roxy hesitates, “I did see Dave like five minutes back. He looked weird though. He said he was probably going to leave.”

Your heart sinks a little.

“Thanks Roxy.”

“No sweat.”

They make a sweeping ‘get going’ gesture with both hands, and you are only too happy to oblige.

Although you’ve completely lost your previous courage, you reason that the night isn’t quite lost yet. You’ve learned your lesson about surprise makeouts, but you can still proceed a little less dramatically. In a matter of minutes, you are downstairs and out of the towering front doors. Feferi has employed a veritable fleet of drivers to take her guests safely home, and so Dave should either be out here, or inside looking for you so you can head home together. At least, that’s what he’d usually do. The least you can do is make yourself easy to find.

The front lawnring is softly lit, and peppered with guests who are done with the evening. It’s still relatively early, so picking out Dave among them isn’t hard. You start to call out, but your voice catches in your throat.

This time, you think, you are definitely looking at Dave. You are definitely looking at him as he looks at Jade and draws her close so much more smoothly than you could ever manage. You are definitely looking at him as he kisses her. You keep looking as they get into a shiny black car and drive away. You don’t stop looking for a long time.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and your heart has been broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: I have not started reading Homestuck^2 as of yet, so all this stuff is written with knowledge of the epilogues only. This is all AU as of the end of Homestuck proper so it shouldn't matter, but this is my disclaimer re: pairings, gender changes for characters, etc. Roxy is they/them because of meat/candy and also because I love non-binary Roxy.
> 
> It's good to be back, let's finish this thing.


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